No-one tried to answer the question inviting you to name the comedians who provided the jokes in the post.
(1) A few years ago, before I had to take early retirement, my much better half started to call me ‘Spiderman’. How nice, I thought, she still thinks of me as a superhero in spite of all my problems. Holding back a tear I thanked her. No, she said, it’s because neither you nor a spider can get out of the bath without my help! Bob Monkhouse.
(2) I sold our vacuum cleaner. Well it was just gathering dust. Tim Vine
(3) & (4) Last night I dreamt I was in the olympics. I heard a voice call out ‘take your marks … Set … Then a gun went off and I woke with a start.
The night before I was mumbling about hobbits, elves and wizards, I was Tolkien in my sleep. Milton Jones
(5) Being retired has given me the chance to take up some old hobbies. I found my old boomerang in the loft. I’ve lost the instructions on how to throw it, but I’m sure it will come back to me. Stewart Francis
(6) I have also been catching up on my reading. At the moment I’m reading a book called ‘The A to Z of London’. There isn’t much of a plot but the places all seem so real. Paul Merton
(7)When I die I want to slip away peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather and not screaming in panic and terror like the passengers on his bus. I first heard Milton Jones tell this one but later on heard it was written by Bob Monkhouse
More jokes stolen from my favourite comedians later.